A Grim Reflection on Flossing...

A Grim Reflection on Flossing...

I’m not floss-resistant—I’m floss-repellent. The silky thread that promises gum salvation feels like a sadistic game of “how far can you shove this string into your soul.” Every evening, I stand in front of my bathroom mirror holding that weapon of guilt, then sigh deeply and toss it back into the drawer next to expired coupons and dead AA batteries. Tooth decay may come for me, but it will not be with mint-waxed shame.

My fear of the dental office isn’t rational. It’s a full-body terror, a cortisol-fueled descent into fluorescent-lit doom. The receptionist chirps my name like I’ve won a prize—only to usher me into a recliner where masked strangers conspire to expose every lie I’ve ever told about flossing. I feel judged by the overhead light, the posters of smiling molars, even the fish tank in the waiting room. Those guppies know. They’ve seen things.

And then she arrives—the dental hygienist—wielding instruments forged from guilt and polished in shame. I can’t lie to her. I’ve tried. But the moment she says “So, how often do you floss?” I break like a cheap filling. I want to say, “I floss when I need a reminder that I’m mortal.” Or maybe: “I floss emotionally, if not physically.” But instead, I mumble something about “trying to be better” while silently wondering how many teeth I can lose before switching to smoothies.

What keeps me up at night isn’t the dentist—it’s aging into a state of permanent purée. I fear biting into a crusty baguette and hearing a snap followed by existential silence. I fear gumming through Thanksgiving dinner while others chomp turkey in full molar glory. I fear reaching for a corn cob and hearing someone say, “Oh honey, maybe stick to the mashed potatoes.”

Yes, dental fear and flossing resistance might seem absurd, but they’re real—and they're aging right along with me. I know the path I'm on. I just hope the hygienist forgives me when I show up begging for mercy, mouth agape, finally ready to floss… if only out of dread.