Reflections of a Physician During the Pandemic
It is somewhat disconcerting that the simple wearing a KN95 mask triggers such a
flood of memories, taking me back to the challenging times of 2020.
At the time I was an aging family physician, trying my best to care for patients in a rural Oklahoma community, while the world was grappling with the COVID-19 pandemic. This simple act of donning a mask, meant to protect my visiting grandson from catching a cold, transported me back to the two years constantly spent behind a similar mask, battling a virus that brought such death and despair.
As a physician, those years were particularly insightful for me. I clearly remember feeling the weight of responsibility on my shoulders, knowing that my skills were inadequate in the face of a highly contagious and deadly virus. There was no way to predict which of my patients would succumb to the erratic virus as it was no respecter of persons. The helplessness of not being able to control the person-to-person transmission of the virus was a burden that weighed heavily on me.
Advocating for vaccination, a crucial tool in fighting the spread of the virus, led me to confront an angry opposition and those who were in disbelief of legitimate science, trained by what was on right wing radio or their “Google” search. It was disheartening to be called a liar for urging others to take preventive measures that could save lives. The frustration of witnessing misinformation spread like wildfire was a constant battle that I found both professionally and personally exhausting.
I had never been confronted with anything like this in my many years as a family physician.
One of the most difficult moments I faced during those tumultuous years was having to have the dreaded conversation about withdrawing mechanical ventilation support from a COVID infected patient that was not improving, in spite of maximum support.
Looking into the eyes of family members, knowing that their loved one's chances were non-existent, was a heart-wrenching experience that will stay with me forever. The emotional toll of those moments was immense, leaving me grappling with questions of morality, ethics, and the fragility of life.
As I reflect on those turbulent times, I can't help but feel a sense of guilt for eventually deciding to retire and retreat into my carpentry workshop at the age of 71. The decision to step back away from a profession that had been my life's work was not an easy one. The fear of the unknown, the uncertainty of what the future held, and the realization that the world I had known and navigated professionally for decades was now a source of fear and anxiety, all contributed to my apprehension and guilt.
Despite the challenges and the emotional toll, those years behind the mask taught me resilience, compassion, and the importance of cherishing each and every moment. As I look back on those times, I am reminded of the strength we find in adversity, the power of human connection, and the resilience of the human spirit in the face of adversity.
And as I sit in my workshop, surrounded by memories of a past that shaped me in ways I never imagined, I am grateful for the lessons learned and the experiences that have made me who I am today.
And yes…I will wear my mask as a badge of honor…and remember.
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